OMG you guys ! Who’s up for some tea time with Dibald’ and I ? But unlike Mcdonald’s, don’t come as you are and try to act as cool as Dibald’ please. Otherwise, don’t bother.

As the warm tea went down on Dibald’s circa 1775 china cup, I came face to face with judgment. When taking our order, the waitress couldn’t help but laugh at our lack of desire for coffee. Both Didi and me went straight for the healthy green tea that will make us pee. You may have thought for a second that she laughed at me sitting face to face to what the common human race call a « teddy bear », but that was not even about that. Hell no, who wouldn’t dream to share such an intimate moment with Dibald’ ? Anyway, I sure can tell what this was about.

I don’t know why, but coffee provides people with a unique feeling. Just like everyone loves talking about their first times in bed, everyone loves even more sharing their history with coffee to people. As if this little shitty looking beverage was their new lover. The funny thing is, no one liked it at first. Just like your first cigaret, I seriously doubt your love-at-first-trial story with Colombian drip Susan ! Don’t even know any Susan in real but that’s the perfect name for the basic bitch that praises coffee and pretends she « can’t function before I’ve had it in the morning ». Save your bs for other losers Susie, that ain’t work with us.

I hate to say it but coffee equals the cigaret trend in public places. If you’re in your mid-twenties at work or anywhere, lacking a coffee or a cigaret, who are you ? Are you even human ? Hell yes, and a strong-minded one should I say. Cos’ we all know it is rarely possible to appreciate something so bitter. Admit it, you hate it Susie ! You dread that moment someone at work will tell you « hey let’s take a coffee break » and think deep down, you hate this shit (like you hate Guillaume, the asshole who just asked you to join him outside where it’s 12 degrees in June). Oh hello there summer.

You know that deep down, you would way prefer taking an orange juice with a cartoon character on the glass on it, but that’s not adulthood at all, right ? Who cares, and that’s why I hate coffee. Look, you hate it so much you feel the need to add all those extras at Starbucks just to make it drinkable. And you need all those fancy foreign words to make it sexy. Latte, frapucinno, caramellato… Idioto, have you heard about it ?

You must think I’m a serious case of angry guy who walks his way over town with a yellow puppet. Meh, maybe. But this isn’t about coffee after all. This was just an excuse to express my astonishment with all the stuff that comes along growing up. Wouldn’t it be time to truly embrace your desires and stop acting like others ? Do you really want to spend those 7 euros at Starbucks Susie, for a drink you can’t wait to throw ? Oh that’s right, you’re an adult now, and that means having yellow teeth and bad breath. Hey sexy lady. But more seriously, are we really supposed to enjoy all those things « adults » allegedly like ? And why does adulthood necessarily rhymes with bitterness on all levels ? Aren’t taxes enough for Christ’s sake ? Taking all of the above in consideration, it might be time to land a war against the mother of it all, aka George Clooney, who uses his fame and power to promote the image of the strong and ugly Nespresso. Damn this sounds like a good cartoon to make.

Sorry if we spilled too much tea on you honey. But you needed to hear that and now that will resonate in your head every time you’ll sit at the coffee place. Oh shit, I’ve been writing all those words about coffee and tea while I’m not even drinking some on the picture. I have some from time to time but I hate it. Seriously, I’m no 80 year-old queen to be drinking that herbal shit. Oops, looks like I have another story to write about tea now, see ya. 

Jordan

Easy-going 27 year-old bitch.