OMG you guys ! It’s been like forever. How have you been ? Did you get married while I was spacing out ? Or are you planning to ? We must catch up IMMEDIATELY. Waiter ! Bring us your cheapest wine and your finest French fries (i.e Lay’s bbq). Mama’s ready for some t.

Oh, I must have forgotten. Gee, I’m really out of my mind these days. Ain’t no waiter coming for us… That’s right, the restaurants, the bars, the Mickey Club, they’re all gone. Time flew by and didn’t make us any younger, or wiser. We can’t even go chase rich husbands at the Country Club of Neuilly Sur Seine anymore. How are we gonna buy clothes and magic creams online if we’re all single and poor ? Find a job ? That’s so depressing… In times of such crisis, attention must be paid. On the most essential things in life.

Such as the sun. Or the moon, or anything that basically keeps wandering around that you know will still be there no matter what. Hookups work too (if you can still use your thumb after months of swiping right), but you got the idea. Hence me taking a sunbath, giving my body the warmth it’s missed. Besides, no need to spend 25 bucks of your unemployment allowances at Sephora to get the latest highlighter supposed to make you as shimmering as a gold-fish. The sun is there for you, every day a little bit longer, making sure you get the golden tan you deserve. Isn’t the Sun nice ? You can make a donation to the Sun if you want to help it, just ask me for the link. The moon doesn’t deserve it, she’s a whore, playing with us like little puppets. Haven’t you heard of astrology ? Even Morgan Freeman said so, so don’t you dare make fun of it okay ?!

But Spring isn’t only here to give us the golden hour pictures we’ve all been yearning for. Have you been outside ? All those colors, those different smells, the singing birds… Can’t you feel hope and renewal in the air ? Oh shit, you’re wearing a mask. You can’t feel anything besides your ears hurt. Well, do as if you weren’t wearing a mask, like 12 months ago basically. You still can’t ? Use your memory Susie (or Facebook’s…). Anyway, you got the idea once again. There’s someone smart behind this 50 cents mask, is there. So just like mother nature is doing right now, why don’t you just let yourself grow and open up a little ? That may be nice. And even if it’s not for yourself, think about all those swiped right-pals and gals you’re gonna meet. Spread your petals (not just your legs) and let the Sun invade every inch of your body to become a shining star. Just like the sun.

Next time you feel insecure about life, just go outside. Some things never go shaky no matter what pangolins do. And just like you might be blinded by so much beauty in this picture, you shouldn’t stare too long at the sun.

Time to blossom kids. And please don’t use any SPF. You’re not a pussy. YOU ARE A FLOWER.

Jordan

Easy-going 27 year-old bitch.