Planning on going to Sicily ? Beware my friends and read the following religiously or you may end up threatened by the lovely Mafia. Just sayin’…

Prada, Gucci, Fendi… Do you speak Italy ? I do for sure honey and let me tell you how thrilled I was to go to Sicily. Been there already ? Then don’t mind me but please don’t spoil the story. Enough with the poetry and let’s get facty (that was tiring). Like every basic European-born bitch, I started to develop a special love affair with Italy a long time ago, when I was actually straight (the golden years <3). Even before I could speak, I was already eating pasta alla norma and acting like Donatella (gay alert). Monica Belluci or not, Italy has always had a magnet effect on people ; its cuisine, architecture and culture shine all over the world. Who never dreamt to fall in love with a pizzaïolo in Napoli ? Sharing a border with Berlusconi, it was sure easy for me to travel there. I was more acquainted with the northern part, so when Choupette told me about her desire to go to Sicily, I couldn’t be more happy.

Palermo it was, and after more than 15 months of slowly dying in Paris, I packed my bags under a New-York minute. I don’t know about you but Palermo sounded dreamy. During every summer, the city would always infest my Instagram feed, giving me the urge to pose all over town like my favorite influencers. I remember those deep colors in the sky, the infinity of the views and of course those fancy outfits matching the environment. But just like a Big Mac does not match its picture, Palermo clearly wasn’t serving for me. Forget dreamy and think dusty for a moment, and smelly too (omg you don’t want to pass by those fried-food places). Too bad those damn filters couldn’t be applied IRL cos’ the city sure needed some. Hey Chiara, care to give the city a few tips on how to look hot and clean in the blink of an eye ? Frankly Palermo has potential, I mean you can do something with it but it seems the mayor might be too busy sending dick pix to care, just like our sweet Benji G. (RIP…). But more seriously, I couldn’t fall in love with a city that does not love itself enough to care about its heritage. Everything was just messy, and dirty, and old, basically the package for every guy I fall for. So how could I not appreciate the same features I found attractive in a man ? Do we become more picky when travelling, or is it just me ? Maybe I shouldn’t be allowed to travel, I mean, I sound like such a demanding puta.

See this lovely picture of Dibald’ ? It was taken at the Valley of the Temples, a real deal outside the city. Visiting it felt like taking the time tunnel for a while, I could imagine how the Romans dressed and ate grapefruits while speaking about philosophy and love and FASHION (they were all gay at the time). Well, visiting the city gave me the same feeling, but not towards the same era. Hello 2006 and your explosive hair styles ! Palermo men, or Palermen (lolz) dress and comb their hair in a way I haven’t seen for more than a decade in Paris. Going south sure brings a whole lot of surprises, but I did not expect to meet Italian boys bands down my Airbnb. Macho and no homo are trendy in the city, where ladies sure dress up not to end up having breakfast at Tiffany’s, if you know what I mean. Even the music coming from every Fiat 500 sounded like the NRJ summer music hits I would buy when I was 11 years old. At least it gave me some nostalgia… And pleasure too, let’s be fair for a while. The pizza were cool, the wine super cheap and the cigarets less expensive, if you don’t have them stolen by some 5 year olds like me ;(. Apparently, the Mafia starts early in this area…  

Overall, the city reeks of self-neglect. But this trip made me realize a few things. Primo, that I need to change my taste in men. Secondo, never mix medication and a huge pizza (hello vomito) and terzo, don’t ever let yourself look like Palermo, i.e damaged, unhealthy and poor. So hurry up and subscribe to the nearest gym around and swallow your protein bars immediately ! You don’t want to look like an arancini, don’t you ?

So you might not want to go to Palermo, that’s one thing but please DO NOT find yourself a man that looks like Palermo. Next time, I’ll try Pyongyang men, I heard they’re wiiiild.

Jordan

Easy-going 27 year-old bitch.