For kids arriving at Disney Land Paris, this larger-than-life theme park is the earth mother of unlimited fantasy and fun. For adults, it’s something else… Disney Land Paris Marne-La-Vallée Chessy represents long waiting lines and walks among a land made of sugar and furry freaks from the past (spotted any exes ?). Not to mention waking up damn early to reach that far part of the capital… Tired, exhausted, ruined, this is how you’ll feel by the end of the day. If so, why are we going ?

Easy my friend : to avoid the painful reality of the daily routine. But isn’t it normally the purpose of illegal drugs ? It is sweetie, but it turns out that Disney Land actually works the same way as some drugs do. Let’s get to it : you go somewhere far, pay a good amount of money, meet some funny creatures, enter a dreamy place where everything looks bright and happy which makes you feel happy for a moment, but that instant of happiness fades away and then comes the nausea and sadness along with it that make you forget you ever were happy and (last and I promise), you just pass out of tiredness. High on sugar and delusion, you just end up the day dignity-free, with a sad look upon your face. Does this ring a bell to you, honey ? Last Saturday night right ? I must admit that depicts an uninnocent and terrible picture of the company, usually known for its cuteness overload. But it turns out Disney Land doesn’t need bad publicity to be on bankrupt, so no harm done Mickey. That will be just another pessimistic view on your castle, which by the way, was under construction when I came so I couldn’t make the perfect picture my inner-influencer longed for. But I promise, this is not the only reason why I went there. Why did I go there ? You just read 10 lines saying why, be more focused sweetie and stop using will you.  

So, if I just needed to give a call to my local dealer to feel this way at home, why did I ever go ? Because it is ducking tempting Susan. It is soooo tempting to take a trip down memory lane and feel like a child for a day. I may have been cynical a moment ago, but the truth is, I was as crazy as all those children high on sugar over Marne-La-Vallée Chessy <3. When my friend Pingu (sadly not the penguin), invited me, I took her as a joke. But once our tickets were bought, I just couldn’t wait to be there. Going to MLVC really is a trip, in every sense. The music, the people, the food, everything about Disney is special and fun. Sure, there are some downsides to it, but it is worthy. And Emma cannot disagree. Who’s Emma ? An adorable 18 year-old girl we met on that day. With a strong humility and in a moment of deep intimacy, Emma admited to be a Disney addict. No kidding. Unlike most girls of her age who spend time on Tiktok flirting with sexually confused German boys (losing the war didn’t help them), Emma spends most of her time over at Disney Land, by herself mostly. She is so into Disney that she applied to work there as a glass craftswoman. Getting the job she did, but in the meantime, she’ll keep on baking Disney themed cakes for her clients over at her bakery. A true Disney afficionada, Emma was there on her 18th birthday, alone, sitting next to us on our bench, dressed as a little fairy princess while I was just dressed as a fairy (as usual). Her crown could make Queen Elizabeth II jealous and her enthusiasm could compete with any of the crazy kids present over there. As she gave us tips to avoid the crowds at certain attractions, it dawned on me how high that bitch looked. Her hands shaking at the sound of the Minnie parade, Emma was sweating, her eyes shining at the sight of Goofy and Pluto dancing doggie style, there, on her own, indirectly begging us for money to eat lunch as she had already spent all of her income (for her dress probably). See how Disney can act as a drug people ? I’m serious, don’t ever take your kids there. Unless you want to abandon them after feeding them with some horrible hot-dogs, then go for it. But between us, I just hope Emma leaves her craze for Disney outside her bedroom. Poor Mickey…

But that fat mouse sure knows how to act like a diva, so don’t you dare pity him. Did you know you could meet up with Mickey or some of his friends for a private session down there ? Just wait 55 minutes and you’ll get your picture (or less time, depending of the puppet’s popularity). As true losers, we only got Piglet, but even that pig acted like a dog with us, putting on a large distance as no one could touch him. But that’s not the worse of it, Mickey demanded a 55 minute wait line to meet him and didn’t come (true story). See how dangerous this is. Mickey makes you wait and does not even show up, just like most drug dealers actually. OMG you guys, Disney Land is the new drug cartel. Those furry bitches ignore you and then take your money to build an even bigger castle (probably with a jacuzzi and a pool table just like in Narcos). That’s why Emma, like many kids, was so addict to this place… They know how to make people desire them, handing them just enough so they could feel nurtured but not too much to make them want to come back again. Damn that mouse is the devil.

Soooo, have you booked your ticket yet ? Don’t you wanna feel poor and tired by the end of the day to escape your every day routine ? Oh wait, this might be already your every day routine… Sorry Susie. Well then, if you ever go, be prepared to face all the crazy kids and the aroused zoophiliacs. And please bring an extra lunch for Emma. Don’t forget, you may meet her on the trip. Why ? Because it’s a small small world after all.

Jordan

Easy-going 27 year-old bitch.