Is it ready ? Did she like it ? Did you put a big ribbon on it ? If you can’t answer those questions, you’re officially a lousy kid on this planet. AND WELCOME TO YOU ! Mother’s day calls for a big fat gift, something you were taught of as a kid, right before the alphabet and counting numbers (remember ?). But as the grown-up human being that you are today, the one who can proudly vote and make TikTok videos at the same time, your email inbox has become the shitty teacher that once forced you to make DIY gifts from the dustbin. Too bad Youtube wasn’t a thing back then, we would all be billionaires by now (unlike you Kylie, LOL). So I’d like to thank all those brands’ community managers, for reminding us when Mother’s day is and mostly for giving us gift coupons. You made my Mom’s day.

Or did you ? See, any perfume on the planet couldn’t compare to those long hours of pushing me from her vagina. Thanks again Mommy, the ride must have been terrible since I’ve not been able to face one single vulva ever since. Another argument I might be givin to Priest Patrick, the reverend of my high school who thought I was too hot to be an altar boy (sorry Lord). Sure this wasn’t true, but you almost believed it didn’t you ?

Just like my mom believed a gift could make her proud. See, I’m a terrible kid. I’m one of those who does not live to their parents expectations. Gay ? Done. Unemployed ? Yep. Blogger ? Proud to be. Vegan ? That too ! See, I’m everything your parent dread you to be. So you can thank me for taking all the credits of the bad-child-behavioursim issues your mommy read on the last issue of Psychology Magazine. But please give me the number of your shrink IMMEDIATELY. So for Mother’s day too, you must have guessed by now that I wasn’t the first one to buy or think of a gift. Deep down, as I saw another opportunity for me to disappoint my parents, I could not let them down and not disappoint them. Hence me « forgetting » to get her favorite perfume. And God knows I had the time. Slap me again Reverend Patrick.

You must think I’m a horrible person inside of your little judgy face. You’re right, but I’m just being honest here. I used to get my mom gifts, but she never really appreciated those. Bad taste or not, I honestly believe she just enjoyed the supplement of attention delivered through this consumer holiday. Another attempt of society to control us and make us do things we don’t want to. Just like parents basically. Remember those lame sentences thrown at us since little « Do this for mama » « Eat your veggies for me » « Go say hi to the Priest for me ». Well they keep coming at us, but this time, through your email adress from big fat companies. « Buy this for your mom or be a loser ». That sums it up quickly.

Besides, my spoiled little ass wondered why there has to be a celebration day for parents. We didn’t ask to come to this earth (especially not right now) so why would we honour them for the trip ? Didn’t they, parents, want us to come and be alive for god knows what reasons ? So wouldn’t we be the ones to get gifts ? Sure, they took good care of me and still do. A sweet home, some love and cookies, all of this is good, but is it enough ? Is it enough for me to go outside and face the crowd of unhappy children spending their allowances to please their parents on this very day ? A day that funnily, changes every year ? What the fuck Gregorian Calendar, is it too hard for you to do your job and not make me look for the answer online every year. I’m too confused to get a gift, what assures me this is the right day ? Pick a day and I’ll pick the gift. Thank you.

Another thought : what if, parents make children to get the gifts ? What if, all those lame statements about how much they wanted minimoys to assure the legacy of the family was all a lie ? Because besides our birthdays, we’re screwed, whereas they get multiple celebration days over the year + a consequent drop in taxes. Not to forget they get to eat your cookies too. See who’s the spoiled one now ? I believe a riot is in order. The end of the world is coming soon, be ready kids.

After all this cynism, it’s time to make amends and show the gratittude Instagram expects me to. I can give you the usual drill you’ll find anywhere on the Internet, which is actually true in my case : my mom was the best, she took and still takes great care of my brother and I. In sickness like in health, she’s been present for us and I can always count on her. She’s comprehensive, funny, cool… Beautiful inside and out. Not only did she bear me in her belly for 9 months, she still does every day and I’m sure I’ll still be her baby when I turn 50. She’s simply amazing. So you bet I got her her favorite perfume, loser. You thought I’d risk it and not get my name on the will ? Oops, I did it again. I’m sure the shrink you sent me to will diagnose me as a patholigical liar and a gold-digger like Lindsay. But who cares, my mama loves me for who I am so get off my back and give me all your coupons. Mother’s day or not, I’ll always be there to remind her her best gift, is simply me, hence this lovely picture of me as a kid. That and a perfume will do. Cos’ what matters above all is to please others if this means something to them. I sound so cheesy I could run the mass along Priest Patrick. Amen.

Shout out to all the people outhere who never knew their mother, those who lost them, and those who don’t have a good relationship with them. Dibald’ will always be your mama.

Jordan

Easy-going 27 year-old bitch.