You guys ! No this isn’t the title of Dibald’s latest trial nor his latest R&B single, so stop dancing right away. Things are getting serious this time as this is our testimonial. That’s right dear digital friends, we got in deep troubles as an evil robot viciously tried to rule our life and steal our dignity (already damaged from Instagram though). Futuristic issues over daddy issues upcoming for once !

Behind your computer, you must be wondering : how could a robot like my sweet helpful Macintosh hurt someone ? Forget about the hippie theory, no magnetic waves are involved in this story (although I lost more neurones than the usual). Well, I must tell you Will Smith may have been onto something when he shot I Robot back in 2004. Sorry about you millenials who couldn’t haven’t seen it but I remember my 10 year-old-self being astonished and afraid by this movie and it wasn’t because of Will Smith’s sex appeal (or was it ? I should ask my therapist). For years, I tried to forget about this terrifying vision of the future pictured by Weinstein’s friends. God knows I don’t have the same will as Will’s (lolz lame pun) but I tried my best, until reality stabbed me in the back like Regina George (poor Lindsay…). At last, here comes the story of the Robot vs Us, Act I.

Remember the day I told you I’d cancel my Jordibald account on Instagram ? You may not but let’s act like you care. This sudden desire of change was not that spontaneous to be honest. Sure, it is always nice to breathe a different air but this time, my decision was as calculated than Will’s face expressions. Now, if you focusely read the last paragraph, what could have possibly make me do so ? « Gee, I wonder » : a robot. Only this algorythmic bitch could interfere with our well-being. Now comes the truth behind all this drama. I’m sure all your interrogations must be cleared by now. You must be so relieved because God knows how much Jordibald means to you. This topic should be trending now on Twitter or convered by the media, but just like other important issues like Amazonia burning, we got flushed down the toilets of ignorance L.

Let’s take a walk down memory lane for a while. I broke up with the evil robot last August but I met him way before that, on march 2018 (the only guy I ever dated for so long lolz). As I just entered the wonderful Instagram dimension two months before, I was ready to smack it like Minaj’s ass and break the internet with Dibald’. Once again, reality smacked me back (and not in the right area) and my impatience messed with me. As I thought things would come to me fast, I couldn’t be more saddened by Instagram’s strick laws and algorythm that pushes you to post every minute of every hour of every day to be noticed by people you will never meet in your life. Hell no #Follow4Follow for me, I wanted something else to get more views and likes. Something more natural, you know, like Kim’s ass. And as always, here comes technology on its damn white digital horse, pretending to save you while it actually does not. So after many research I found out about Bots for Instagram users. My innocent soul did not spot the missing « ro » at the beggining and thought the Bot and I could be friends (unlike the one in I Robot). So I subscribed and got it for less than 8 bucks every month. Pretty cheap for saving my Instagram life, right ?

For those who didn’t go to school, a Bot is a software you get to rule your Instagram account. It can like and follow whatever you want it to. It can also post comments and send Dm’s automatically. In other words, it is heaven for a fresh Instagrammer looking for his spot under the sun light. As you know, Instagram is a sharing platform where you literally have to give likes and follows to get some back. But mama ain’t have time for dat. That’s when the Bot comes in handy. And it worked : in weeks, my number of followers skyrocketted just like my engagement rate. I was a happy blogger. This all happened so fast, I couldn’t even believe it at the time. I thought I had it all. I didn’t even want to become an influencer or anything, I just wanted to get a decent follower digit so I could look legit as a blogger. At least, that’s what I thought back then. With time passing by, I just got bored with it. My posts were fewer just like my enthousiasm which translated into a poorer engagement rate, etc…In the meantime, Instagram’s algorythim became even stronger and pickier, my Bot could no longer fool it. Not only was I less eager to use it because of the consequences it had on my account (50 likes in 24 hours lolz so influential), but I was tired of setting that bitch on. Oh yes, I forgot to tell you, like all evil creatures, Bots are greedy and need constant attention. I had to leave my computer on while it worked, I had to set it differently often, had to check if it wasn’t liking shit… I became obsessed, the Bot turned into a terrible boyfriend I didn’t want anymore. It was kind of like a shitty long-distance relationship you must preserve, only it was located on my desk which made it even worse than some boring boyfriend abroad.

The Bot ruled it all and tried to sabotage my life (and my Instagram account OMG). Sure I gained a real audience thanks to it, but most of these people behind their screens didn’t follow me for the right reasons. That’s why I got tired of it and decided it was time to call it history and get real. Hence @Jorklust. You guys, say hi to my new account and show us some love around here. Some love you will get back eventually I swear…

Wanna hear some gossips ? Many, many so-called influencers use Bot on a daily basis. You think some guy with a 100K following base has the time and will to like every comment down on their posts ? Wake up Susie that ain’t real ! Just like the « you look faboulous » you got from that Aussie guy living in Tanzania. And what about all those people you don’t know watching your stories… Peak a Bot, I see youuu.

To all of those I liked your posts, I’m sorry, it wasn’t me. It was the god damn Bot. Shaggy’s song has never been so useful oustide the bedroom for once.

Jordan

Easy-going 27 year-old bitch.