Am I really cleaning the window ? Hell no dear, didn’t even bother to do so during lockdown so you bet I don’t now. Definitely not the cleaning type during this quarantine (so not ready to be married). As usual, I’m just checking up my reflection on my friend’s double glazing window (but so ready to get laid). And just like Narcissus, I’m about to fall off the edge of the earth and cross the glass as quarantine is officially over. Secure enough to keep me from the weather, but not from reality… Damn the window salesman was good.
Outside seems so cold and dangerous while it feels so comfy and cosy at home. Should I really go out and possibly meet the delivery men I misused during those last two months ? Two weeks have passed now and I’ve never been so nostalgic about this lockdown. I’m so sad I could actually use my tears to clean those damn windows and dry them with my hairS. You may have noticed it, I’ve never looked so scruffy in my life. Haven’t shaved for the last 9 weeks, it was magical to let my body live its natural course and express itself freely. Luckily for me, ain’t no Persian blood in my veins but as I’m starting to look like Frida Kahlo more than Salma Hayek ever did, I realized it’s time for me to shave it all to leave the house. Sounds like hell is hairsless people, be prepared. But maybe those bushy brows helped Salma seduce her billionaire ? I might be onto something, lose the tweezers bitch.
I miss it already. And sadly, I feel like I’m the only one on the globe. People just tossed their lockdown like some old milk. Don’t they realize how much they were lucky ? Hello, our « freedom within 100km » is replacing our infinite free time at home. No need to shave or even to clean anything (not just the windows). That was heaven. And talk about work, that was barely optional, like the A/C in my Ferrari. Those 9 weeks were the vacations I yearned for. You couldn’t even try to find a job, no one in the whole world was working. Zero pressure and maxi pleasure, that’s the paradise I was talking about.
But quarantine did so much more for me. And for you too I swear, you just don’t realize it yet. It didn’t only allow me to rest (god knows I’ve been on vacay for the last 26 years) but it gave me the opportunity to taste back my friends. Don’t be silly, I’m no canibal, but the sudden absence of people you usually meet weekly just made them more appealing than ever (yummy). The first four weeks went easy, I barely missed no one but things changed passed the 4 week step. Me, the lonely type, started to miss them. Can you believe, me having feelings ? In those times when I could only sing Akon, I wondered : is friendship the antinomy of milk ? That, actually passed a certain time without consuming them, friends would actually get better ? Dear Martha Stewart, new idea for your next cook book. Answer ASAP.
But seriously, don’t you miss that zero solicitation time ? When no one could expect anything from you, since you know, they were locked home too ? Actually, I just caught myself wrong. There was someone outhere, expecting you to take actions : yourself. That’s right and don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I, for one, expected a lot from me. Ironically, this quarantine did release my ambitions and I thought I’d use this free time to do a lot of things. Things you must have understood by now, that went undone. So to help you not feel bad about your laziness, here’s the list of what I wanted to achieve but couldn’t find the time to (lolz). Feel free to judge :
See ! That wasn’t so hard to admit my flawed program. I’m sure you can do that too. Let’s hope you did more than learn a single foreign word and practice self-love like I did. But as you know, self-love is the most important thing one can do to feel good. Clap your hands if you agree and if not, you’re just a judgy little uptight bitch that shaves way too often (unlike Salma and her hairs-fetishist billionaire).
But time to add a little spark to this cynical description. Considering I’m a lonely guy that lives with a puppet (omg, suicide sounds tempting now), quarantine made me realize how lucky I was to live with my family. As a 26 year old virgin unemployed man (hand me the gun), family is definitely the only thing I could hold on to at the moment. And that’s what I did. It sure was tempting to indulge myself in some day dreaming involving me, alone on an island but smelling mommy’s cooking sure woke me up. God I was so lucky. That and the hugs to get my daily dose of oxytocin helped me overcome the stress produced by large amounts of junk food and chilling. Living the life of a teen, here we go again (acne free this time please).
Quarantine sure didn’t turn me into a monk, but I’m pretty sure I reached Nirvana during this time as I came to this particular understanding : hairs define freedom. Men, women, we all have hairs that we slaughter in the name of beauty and society. Wear your hairs, not a mask. And just like you didn’t expect quarantine to be so good, let things go and appreciate them as they come… and let those hairs grow as big as your ego. Unless you’re Persian, then go to the nearest beauty salon please. My treat.
What about you honey, what have you realized during this quarantine ? Please don’t ruin my blog with your words and comment in your mind only. Thank you.
Hairy Jordan
Easy-going 27 year-old bitch.
Easy-going 27 year-old bitch.
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