Don’t you worry, Dibald’ did not get sick after eating this big ol’ good brunch in Madrid. No turista for him on the menu, only pleasure making his little orange belly bloat as much as your daddy’s. Avo toasts and carrot cakes are de rigueur to start the day happily and pretend we’re on Sex & The City (without the sex, cos’ we’re too full). But as summer approaches, you might want to revise your eating habits in order to actually get laid. Want a summer body ? Then don’t follow Dibald’s diet. Wanna be happy ? Then read the following with the same passion you devour the menu of your favorite restaurant. Dibald’s orders.

First, let me confess : I, Jordan, am an addict. Lately, I’ve binge watched porn videos in my bed, asking for more every night. Just thinking about those big tools, those sweaty hands manipulating dark bananas in a sweltering heat and under this not-so-dim light makes me go crazy. You guyz ! I’m talking food here, not classical porn, just #pornfood ! Oops, looks like I misunderstood and went to the wrong meeting once again. Don’t be silly, a virgin presbytarian gurl like me would never be caught dead watching such a thing. P.0.R.N, dear Lord ! I told you I’m waiting for the right man.

But I ain’t waiting for the right cook to come into my life to eat plenty. Especially since food started to become an obsession of mine. A real one, just like some people can be of sex or gambling. Pick a struggle, you can’t have it all this time. I believe some history is needed here for you to deeply understand.

Food has always had a dear place in everyone’s lives. Whether it’d be for celebration, romance, friendship, family times or even just boredom, we just happen to eat all the time, for any reason. Sugar treats or salty goods are deeply associated in our minds with specific scenes that we think would never be the same without them. See how good the media industry is ? Just like tobacco went on invading our lifestyles through movies and tv shows, food just did the same. You would never celebrate your birthday without a big ol’ good fat cake, would you ?

As for me, I can say I was a lucky child. Food never was a struggle for me younger, and my homomorpho metabolism (doesn’t exist, pass) helped me get rid of the possible overweight easily. Can you believe I never exercised before the age of 18 and never got fat ? God I’m a scam. So I could eat it all, whenever and wherever without feeling the slight of guilt or worry. Good times.

But things took another spin during fall 2017. I didn’t get pregnant (sadly), but I started to develop gut issues that needed to be cleared. It happened when I was studying in Madrid, and ate like Dibald’ almost every day. My skin would not look good, I would not feel good, it was time for a change. So I got curious and started to read and look for every article online and even books and videos that dealt with health and the food industry. Almost three years have passed since, and I just became more and more informed on the subject which is good cos’ I got to be my own dietician, but real bad cos’ I turned out to be my worst enemy too. Ouuh, aren’t you scared ?

Name one diet, I tried it. Gluten free, dairyfree, vegan, no carbs… no pleasure guaranteed. Every now and then for the past 3 years, I let myself into those strict diets but could not stick with it for too long. I would do it, then quit it, and over and over again… It just became more and more self-absorbing as my failures would stab me back in the gut. And you bet that after those numerous months of restricting myself, I would eat like crazy. So much I could eat the internet. Really. But afterwards, I would hate myself. For not stay commited to my last self-promises, thinking they would help me be a better person. And in those times of sadness, food became my best ally. Whenever I got sad, I would eat like Big Mamma. In any of my long travel abroad, sadness obviously came on to me and brought a whole lot of junk foods to make me cope with it. You can ask my fellow roomates, they’ll tell you how much they were astonished with the amount of food I would put into my body. But hey, ectomorpho is here, (thank god).

More recently, I decided to follow a vegan diet, nothing more than vegetables, fruits and nuts. Another diet, I know… My family and friends got worried as they saw my body melt away in a sec. I sticked with it for 56 days but then started become obsessed with food once again. I couldn’t sleep at night for the last week as I was thinking about food and watching food porn online. I was divided inside between eating mozzarella and keeping up with this diet that theorically, was the best for me. My day would start with my thoughts focusing on the food I was going to eat. I even started to avoid some social events because of food, can you believe ? Until last week when I went to dinner at Habzi’s house. We went to the supermarket together and bought all the food we wanted. I sticked with my strict Jesus-alike vegan diet, but during dinner, something happened : I could not stop eating, just like in the past when I would get sad and start binge eating. It was time for introspection. I clearly wasn’t happy with it. While talking with my friend Habzi, she made me realize I was close to the borders of the eating disorders county (somewhere you definitely don’t want to go).

So I stopped it all, realizing I couldn’t go 100% all the time. Mostly because I’m entitled to pleasures and fun, just like everyone else. After all, I’m human, and I don’t want to live a life full of frustration and self-hate. I can’t control myself and my body all the time and that’s perfectly fine. There are other stuff out there I can put my mind onto. We love food for the simple reason it is the fastest way to nourish ourselves. But there are other things which can feed you that don’t involve a Big Mac : your friends, your passion, love, art, nature… Anything basically. I want to focus on other things, not just only what’s in my plate. A vegan blogger I discovered this last month says something really interesting : feed your cells AND your soul. That’s the kind of diet I want to stick to. Guiltfree for sure.   

So next time I’m coming yo your house, please be prepared. Cos’ I’m no Audrey Hepburn sharing her food with the poor, I’m BIG MAMMA.

Jordan

Easy-going 27 year-old bitch.