Breaking news everyone : Karl Lagerfeld died last week. Don’t pretend you haven’t seen it on your screen, the topic even outshone the yellow vests for a whole day in France. And for that, I’d like to thank you Karl for allowing us to breathe a little in those times of social instability. He hated neon yellow anyway.

Unfortunately, the death of a public persona brings out more than just mourn, whether he was non grata or not. Sure, Karl’s close friends and family are sad and that’s completely normal but why do all my cyber buddies are ? Guys, did you know Karl personally ? Why didn’t you tell me ? Were you ashamed of Dibald’ and me to introduce us to Karlito ? See, I told you he hated yellow… But more seriously, am I the only one hating this ? All this supposed love and admiration for someone they didn’t even know spread all over my Instagram feed makes me sick. Okay, you’ll tell me you grieve for his death because of what he brought to CHANEL. Sure, and no one can neglect his talent, but just be honest for a while and ask yourself : have you ever worn the brand, or even entered a store ? Or were you simply too intimidated to step on the marble steps and walk into le 31 rue Cambon facing the judgmental looks of the bodyguards ? I hate saying that, but the only thing all these people suddenly claiming their eternal love to Karl on social media have ever worn from Chanel, is that free fragrance sample they got at Sephora last sales. And this wasn’t even perfume, just eau de toilette. Nothing less, nothing more. So try to be a little realistic here, and please don’t pretend you mourn someone you, I am sure, don’t even know the history. It’s like those people wearing those cool t-shirts with a rock band written on it, like ACDC or Pink Floyd. Ask them to name 5 songs from the band and you’ll see. So will you please STOP PRETENDING. Thank you.

Sure, losing a talent and an icon such as Karl is always terrible. For instance, when George Michael or David Bowie died, I really was unhappy. Well, not to the point where I’d claim my sorrow on my social media profile (lolz you loser), but still, I was really sad. And I had never even been to one of their concerts, so you’ll tell me that’s the same for me and I’m as lame as those I just criticized. But contrary to Chanel, I listen to George Michael’s music every day, in my shower, naked, with Dibald’ staring at the foam cleansing my soft sleeky skin (no 50 shades of grey here don’t worry but it’s hot admit it). Joke apart, you got the message. Those singers have impacted my daily life for years, hence my sadness. I’m sure all the fashionista will hate me now, but this doesn’t mean I dislike fashion. I do love it, the designers and the nice quality clothes. I’m a gold-diggin’ Birkin bitch who would kill anyone for furs and diamonds. But the point here is, to just be true to yourself and stop acting like everyone else does. It is kind of horrible to say that, but when I spotted some people I know mourning Karl on Instagram, I kind of was disappointed in them. Like, this behaviour was predictable, you know. You may be a follower on Instagram, but don’t become one in the real life. That’s not hot.

Besides, has anyone thought about Choupette ? Earning millions for sure, but losing her long-time partner for life. THAT makes me sad, all those people not even considering how she must feel right now. They’re all like « oh Karl is dead, Choupette is gonna be rich ». Money rich, but love deprived… and the fact that Karl decided to give all his heritage to her is simply honorable. You can be sure the 23 euros I’ve got in my checking account will go to Dibald’ after my death. But if I die too early, please interrogate him. He may be in close relation with my early disappearance (but don’t tell him I said that).

So next time someone famous dies, remember to ask yourself : will my digital love declaration be genuine and helpful ? Or just drawn in an ocean of ignorance and low-fat egos ? And if you love Chanel so much, think about what Coco said : “The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”

That’s all.

Post-scriptum : for those interested in our sexy shower video, an auction will be held on April 1st, so be there or die ignorant and sex-less.

Jordan

Easy-going 27 year-old bitch.