Spring, oh dear spring, there you are outside, waiting for me. The sun rising earlier from day to day, all these colors blossoming in the streets and the shitty pollen making me look like some waisted clown couldn’t give me more happiness. Or, wish I ? See, the only thing actually giving me thrills these days is looking at my old pictures. That’s right, loser, you’ve just been fooled. Did you really think I was there, outside, putting my savings in danger ? Not even Ivanka could lay on the grass like that without getting fined now. Two years ago, I shot this photograph at the Retiro garden in Madrid, right before my tapas o’clockas (not a Spanish word, forget it). Getting almost sunburnt, I was risking it all for the sake of my goddamn blog and for you guys, because I love you. But today, I wouldn’t take the risk. You ain’t worth 135€, sorry bitch.

But tomorrow is another day. Ready to be deconfined ? Cos’ frankly, I’m not. Everyone seems to be talking about this whole new world post coronavirus, that the quarantine changed them forever and that nothing would ever be the same afterwards. So, how can we be so happy to leave our safe homes for such an uncertain world ? And what about this positiveness wave, will it keep going or will it just fade away along with my mojito ? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about being free again and I honestly loved this time given (although I didn’t make much of it). But just like John Lennon said, time wasted is time well spent. So back off Mom and leave me eating nutella toasts on my bed forever okay.

However, after weeks of daily bat mania, I’m not sure freedom will be enough for me to face the crowd outside. Countless deaths and tired people working their ass off while we were all waiting at home for the daily bad news (there you go pleonasm) set the tone. All those ingredients mixed with the pointless orders from the Government won’t serve us the best cake at all. Heard about them too, right ? « Social Distance » « Wear a Mask » « Drink hand sanitizer gel ». Those strong injunctions affecting our individual liberties won’t do us good. That will just make people go crazy, more than they acutally are. I can assure you this so-called freedom upon us will come with great disadvantages. All of those in the name of « public spirit ». Prepare to face the judgmental and suspecious looks of your neighbors whenever you’ll cough or even breathe too loud. Forget about the shitty music you’re listening, they ain’t judge you for that, but for the runny nose of yours. Someone around you works at the hospital ? DON’T EVER MENTION THEM. Just saying…

Seriously, do you really believe that these so-called security gestures will be helpful ? As it took a pandemic for French people to understand cleaning your hands is important (omg, that plus perfumes, we’re so clean), I hardly believe social distancing and masks to be our knights on white horses here. As homo sapiens, we’ve evolved along bacterias and viruses for millenia. Illness is nothing new, and you may have noticed that we face a pandemic every five years or so. So why masks and social distancing must be mandatory now or even mentionned ? Is that what you want, to live in fear and hidden forever? As if social chaos and sadness will save us from this virus. Because that’s all you’ll get from this strict diet, I tell you. Sure you’ll be happy to be able to leave the house and go to work (LOL) but don’t you miss hugging your beloved ones ? Holding your friends’ hands while walking in the park ? Kissing Dibald’ on the cheek ? Laughing so hard you can’t even breathe ? Sorry for all the doctors out there, but it seems they forgot one important ingredient to strengthen your immunity : love. And no mask will give you that. FYI, as a homo (just homo, nothing more), I would not wear a mask that does not come directly from Milan Fashion Week. Hear me Emmanuel Macron ? I’m sure you get me Manu, don’t you ? 😉 #NoHomo

I may not wear a mask on my mouth, but just like I cover my eyes on this picture, I might do the same outside, to ignore the sad atmosphere and avoid people’s judgy attitude. And also, to show the world my lips are free and open to be kissed. There you have the panacea to eradicate that horrible bat. Go back to Wuhan you %?*!$?!

Jordan

Easy-going 27 year-old bitch.