You guys ! It’s that time of the year again. Get ready to spot crazy-looking pumpkins and shitty costumes cos’ Halloween is just around the corner. Oops, looks like I’m late again. Thank God it’s over now. But poor me, I have to wait another 362 days to cross the path of Hallowhores. Snif snif.

Am I the only one tired of this ? Every year, the same scenario occurs over town and yet, no one seems to realize how lame it is. Every year on this particular day, people rush home to put on strange make-up and weird outfits to go outside chasing the cheapest beverages. Sure, it might be funny to live it in a place where it’s a big deal, but here in France, no one really never cared about Halloween. There’s just not that much of the spirit. So stop trying to make it happen cos’ it won’t happen (said ever Regina George). Still, Instagram managed to revive it and all the influencers you know spent countless time and money to look good enough for you to drop likes. Are you scared yet ?

But what was it all about before Instagram made it hip and trendy ? The tradition originated with ancient Celtics festival of Samhain (the Lord of Darkness) when people would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward off ghosts. October 31st used to be the last day of the calendar, so you basically spent your New Year’s eve by dressing up like shit and vomiting all your alcohol-flavored candy. Sorry for you Susie, sounds like you missed the window to tell us all about your new resolutions. But for those who did not dress up as monsters, we get to celebrate our New Year’s eve on December 31st with DJ Khaled (youhou).

Isn’t it funny how the tradition evolved ? Today, we’re the ghosts Celtics would have been scared of. Unless, you dressed up as Gluten, then they probably would have not respected you, but still scary enough to threaten a handicapped kitten. But what is that makes people so turned on by Halloween ? Do we truly need that adrenaline shot to keep us functionning until Christmas or are we just too attached to the Irish ? Sure, I’d have some ginger hottie anytime (never tried 🙁 ) but looking at the top 10 sexiest Irish men of all time (sorry Ed Sheeran, you’re not there), I still couldn’t find the reason behind all this haze. Oh, my mistake, you’re not even Irish Ed, I just caught myself being racist here. That’s just how Halloween makes me : angry and hungry. Or isn’t it because of all the sugar I ingested ? No one will never know…

However, aren’t we all already scared enough in life to scare ourselves even more with costumes ? Death, diseases, Greta, we don’t lack of reasons not to be threatened on a daily basis. But while I was trying to jerk off on Michael Fassbender without being caught on by my family, I suddenly realized : hiding is what makes Halloween so special. You don’t really need to fear anything (especially since no one really looks scary), you just need to hide yourself underneath a shitty costume made of plastic you bought from Wish (sorry Greta). Under that costume, all your morals got flushed down the toilets (just like my sperm) and you get to act like you truly want. Forget about shame, nothing can reach you, cos’ no one will never recognize you. That poop you dropped at your boyfriend’s ? Not you honey, it was Cinderalla’s fault. Those candies you stole from a child’s bag in the subway ? Not you darling, it was Dracula’s fault ! (or any of the guy you dressed up as).  Got it now ? It seems like we need to look like other to be ourselves. As contradictory as this sounds, those costumes actually reveal you. And just like Mama Ru said, we’re born naked and the rest is drag.

Writing all of this actually turned me on (even more than Michael ever did) and convinced me to wear a costume next year. But I’m afraid I’m already wearing one. I’m a French guy speaking English here with a puppet. Isn’t that scary enough already ?

Jordan

Easy-going 27 year-old bitch.